This blog post has been on my heart for the past month and it has been sitting on my browser completely written for a few weeks. It is one of those post I felt like I needed to write but didn’t actually want to write because it made me take a good look at myself and come to terms with everything.
To be honest each time I typed the word obesity my heart broke a little and my self-esteem dropped. I have been thinking so much about how my weight problem aka obesity has/is affecting my pregnancy so it’s time to put it out there.
No, I don’t have a long story to tell about it being difficult to conceive due to my weight, to be completely open baby Olive was conceived by not, not trying to get pregnant.
My weight issue has only been something I have been dealing with for the past four years, which makes it super hard to grasp hold of. My first baby, Ryder was conceived at a size 10. With Ryder I gained almost 30lbs, and I was never able to full shake the weight of Ryder and being an incredibly short statured gal (4’10”) all 30 pounds made its appearance known.
15 months later Jett came into our lives and at a size 14, I worked really hard and only gained about 11lbs.
Then suddenly seven shorts months after Jett we had a miscarriage at 8 weeks along. This miscarriage completely knocked me off my feet. I was admitted to the hospital for an emergency DNC then admitted back the next day with extreme dehydration. I don’t want to fully go into my miscarriage, but I blamed myself for everything. I was sitting at home with an almost 2-year-old and a 7-month-old, and I was seriously struggling with having another baby because life was getting out of my control. I was overwhelmed and having more frequented panic attacks and with the panic attacks came chronic hives, which I am still dealing with. Now, at a size 20, (WOW, that’s a hard hitter, typing that 20) I feel that am so out of touch with my body. Being out of touch with your own skin is such an emotionally painful journey.
How does becoming a size 20 happen? I’m not really sure, but I can say that life got emotionally crazy and I let myself go. I wish I could drop the 0 from that number, but that’s where I’m at and let me say it SUCKS.
With my past two pregnancies my weight never really hindered or made me feel different. I have never really been a “cute” pregnant person with the perfectly round bump that all women long for. My bumps were always more like giant blobs. As I sit here today at 32 weeks, the bump is not so much, more like just the typical flab that is always there.
I personally notice the preggo bump but to the naked eye, I am just a plus sized woman. I have dropped 15lbs with this pregnancy, my goal is to gain no more than 5lbs and so far that seems possible. Yes, to all those wondering, that is perfectly safe.
Being a plus sized expecting mom takes a toll on you emotionally, I’m not one to just want attention but it is hard when you are creating life and no one realizes it or asks those daunting questions like “when are you due,” or “do you know what you are having,” because secretly we all love being occasionally recognized for the hard work our bodies are doing. Now, I will add one plus, no one wants to try and touch my flab.
I am also troubled by how hard it is to purchase plus sized maternity items. Yes, I did lose weight but the bump still needs space and same goes for my boobs. Many maternity products don’t come larger than a x-large, which makes finding nursing bras and cute clothes difficult.
Being fat and pregnant is hard, it’s really really hard. Everything you read on the internet is so discouraging about being overweight and pregnant, all they want you to do is fit into a statistic, well guess what, I am MORE than my number. I can surpass all expectations such as NOT have gestational diabetes or by not gaining weight. Being obese is not something that I wanted nor is it something I want to be, but for right now I am living in the moment and holding on tight till Olive arrives.
My favorite places for plus sized maternity wear are: